


October 31, 1993 - Remus Lupin Journal Entry

by padmoonyfoot



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: 1993, Book 3: Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Canon Compliant, Canon Era, JOURNAL ENTRY, M/M, Oneshot, Post-War, Professor Remus Lupin, Sad, not too sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-31
Updated: 2020-10-31
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:54:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 721
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27333751
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/padmoonyfoot/pseuds/padmoonyfoot
Summary: A journal entry from Remus Lupin's perspective on the anniversary of James and Lily dying, and, to his knowledge, Peter dying and Sirius being responsible for it. He reflects, in his sarcastic nature, on the loss of his friends and support, and his relationships with them all, particularly his with Sirius.
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black & Remus Lupin, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Kudos: 4





	October 31, 1993 - Remus Lupin Journal Entry

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoy! My favorite song to represent this day is No One But You (Only the Good Die Young) by Queen, so go and stream it!

_ October 31, 1993 (11:22 am) _

_ Dear journal, _

_ The day snuck up on me again, caught me at my worst, and didn’t loosen its grip. Wow, am I a poet yet? Will people be reading this thirty years from now to analyze my deep metaphorical language? _

_ It doesn’t make any sense to me how I can feel so emotionless and emotional at the same time. What am I even supposed to think? I’m over here emptying my sorrows in a fucking leather-bound journal of all things. I feel like I’ve failed Lily and James, Harry knows none of it (what would I even tell him), and I can already tell that his home life isn’t safe or supportive. All of it was stripped away from him on this very cheerful day twelve years ago. I’ve tried my best so far to keep myself busy, but as always, I’ve failed. Merlin knows that sitting alone with my thoughts doesn’t make for much of a great combination, so I spent the morning preparing for my lesson on Grindylows for the third-years. I’ve already had two cups of tea, so I doubt I’ll be sleeping for a while, either. Sleep is for the weak, I suppose. _

_ Sirius is still on the loose. I guess that was obvious, but hey, as I haven’t even opened this damn journal in months, that could be considered news to those reading it, as aforementioned. Part of me wants to tell Dumbledore about his animagus abilities, but my selfishness has, again, gotten in the way. I know that this would mean that the Ministry would be informed and that just gets me outed as a werewolf to the world. That’ll be when I’ve truly lost everything. Also, I just don’t feel like I should tell about Sirius because this  _ _ small part of me ~~doesn’t want him in Azkaban.~~ _ _ I’ve been around dementors and I don’t think it’s fair for anyone to have those around all of the time. _

_ The regret I feel… well… it’s as present as anything else. I just wish I could’ve known. How did I not know that he was the spy? How could he have done that? It just… there’s no other way to say it - it totally baffles me. And, well, (now I’m going to look like the hopeless romantic) I thought he loved me. Really, I just don’t understand how he could’ve done this. He was the first of all four of us to step up and join the Order. He was so against the Death Eaters, I could sense it. But it must’ve been a facade. _

_ The other selfish part of me (wow, there’s another, would you look at that) is upset about Sirius being Harry’s godfather. What good did that even do in the end. Who am I kidding - I couldn’t take care of him. I can’t even take care of myself, but I just… I want Harry to be safe and supported. I, mean, Harry knows I like him and that, academically, I believe in him, but I feel like something’s been irking him recently.  _

_ I think I’ll visit Godric’s Hollow either tonight or tomorrow. I just want everyone else there to be gone. The memorial is always packed on Hallow’s Eve. It still upsets me how this day brings so much joy and celebration to people. To them, this was an ending of a war, the beginning of freedom… hope. And all it does for me is remind me of all that was lost. Marlene and Dorcas - the first people I was able to come out to - gone. James and Lily - my best friends - gone. Peter - another great friend - gone. Sirius… I don’t know how to feel about that. Still.  _

_ I haven’t spoken to Mary in years, she’s off with Reginald having kids and they’ve moved on.  _

_ I’m tired, I really am. I don’t know how I’ve survived this long, and I don’t know if I can keep at it. Every glance, every moon, every breath is a reminder - I should just get over it, but Merlin knows it’s not that easy.  _

_ Now that my wrist is cramping and thoughts are swarming throughout my brain, I think I’m going to sign off before forgetting the existence of this journal for another many months.  _

_ Here’s to another year. Fantastic. _

_ Moony. _

**Author's Note:**

> This is exactly how I write in my journal - I'm a sarcastic king, okay?


End file.
